COSMO ARTICLE (June Issue)

I recently wrote a Q&A section for Cosmo magazine. Quite a few people have asked me for a copy of it, so here it is. It looks like I'll be contributing to Cosmo more often, so look out for more Q&As - and if you have any questions of your own, feel free to ask them in the comments section of this post.

Fore & Against: Foreskin 101 (probs NSFW)

I’m passionate about foreskins. I think they’re a wonderful, sensitive and multipurpose part of the genitals which are severely underrated and misunderstood. If I could, I’d request foreskins for all. I’d give them as birthday presents and leave them in stockings for people at Christmas (too far?). But, I’m going to leave aside the moral debate about circumcision and focus on the practical and sexual aspects, to give some ideas on what to do (and what not to do) to both cut and uncut guys:

What is the foreskin?

The foreskin is a natural part of the penis. It is basically a double-layered fold of skin that covers and protects the head (glans) of the penis and urethra. It extends beyond the head when the penis is flaccid, and usually retracts to expose the head when the penis is erect. It is comparable to the clitoral hood (the small piece of skin which covers and protects the clitoris) in females. It’s very elastic and movable but, like the clitoral hood, is connected to the glans by a small piece of skin called the frenulum. The foreskin has heaps of specialised sensory nerve endings and erogenous tissue, making it super sensitive and it provides a ‘gliding’ action over the penis, which can make intercourse and other stimulation smoother and more enjoyable for all involved. 

What is circumcision?

Circumcision is a medical procedure in which the foreskin is separated and cut from the penis. It is most commonly performed on baby boys before 3 months of age, usually for religious or cultural reasons.

Goods & Bads of Circumcision

Leaving aside the moral debate around whether routine circumcision of babies is the right thing to do or not (because that gets real heated, real quick), here are a few extra things to think about:

HIV risk: Circumcision has been found to be a good, affordable option in the fight against the spread of HIV in Africa and other countries with high HIV rates, although not necessarily more affordable than condoms (and definitely not as effective). For developed countries such as Australia, the UK and the USA, condoms are still the best way to reduce the chances of HIV transmission, and routine circumcision has very little impact.

STIs: As for other sexually transmissible infections, there is some evidence that circumcised men are at lesser risk of getting these nasties, but this is also inconclusive. Your best protection will be condoms and lube.

Sexual Function: Being circumcised at an early age does not necessarily an impact on sexual function, but there may be some differences in sensitivity between those who are cut and those who are uncut. When the foreskin is removed, the glans of the penis is constantly exposed, and therefore becomes somewhat more desensitised to touch and feeling. This can have an impact on how you or your male partner likes to be touched – how firm or soft, how fast or slow, how much lube is required – so keep communicating and find out what works for the both of you.

What to do with cut/uncut guys

You might be a bit scared the first time you see a cut or uncut penis, depending on what you’re used to. For both types, there are a few things to remember and some tips to make the most of whatever he’s got going on:

CUT:

Lube it up: The foreskin provides a natural ‘gliding’ movement for the penis, so without it you’ll need a bit of help – use plenty of water based lube to stop the friction getting out of control and reduce irritation. It’ll also be more comfortable for the receiving partner, and flavoured lubes can be awesome for oral sex.

Hold on tight: Be firmer with his penis. And I don’t mean getting all 50 shades on him, but think about the reduced sensitivity he may have, and get into it. If you’re giving oral sex, incorporate your hands to make sure it’s firm enough. Check in with him to ask if he wants it firmer/looser, harder/softer, or slower/faster and change your style accordingly.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw: Each guy that’s been circumcised is left with some amount of scar tissue, usually around the side of the penis where the ‘frenulum’ would have connected to foreskin to the glans. For some, this will be a spot which has little to no feeling, but for others it will be a particularly sensitive spot.

UNCUT:

Keep it clean: Cleanliness really is the key here, and is one of the most common arguments used for circumcision (“it’s cleaner”). Without regular washing, a build-up of white/yellowish creamy discharge called smegma can build up, which is perfectly normal but may cause a strange smell, taste & irritation. There are many simple ways to keep the penis healthy, and a quick shower is really a great start. Pull the foreskin back gently and run mild, soapy water over the head and shaft of the penis, to get it in tip-top shape. Or, just have a shower together before you get down to it. Any excuse.

Start slow: Because the head/glans of his penis is all snug and protected inside the foreskin most of the time, take it slow until you’ve worked out how sensitive he is under there – some guys will be super sensitive and won’t like to be touched too directly, while others will require some more intense stimulation. Suss it out before you dive right on in.

Use the foreskin: As the foreskin is full of sensory tissue and nerve endings, use it in a few different ways for maximum awesome. Don’t be afraid to play with it, gently tug on it, hold it in your mouth, and slip your tongue inside it. It’s usually so sensitive all over, it’s a shame to waste it. But, as always, try to work out if your partner wants you to go further or isn’t enjoying it – if you’re not able to talk about it, check to see if he’s squirming or pulling away or whether he seems to be enjoying it.

The bottom line is: penises are great, and all are different. Some people have preferences about whether they like their partners to be cut or uncut, but that's a very personal decision and one which is usually based on experience, rather than functionality or truth. We also don't see a wide variety of penises in porn or sex ed (which, let's be honest, is about the extent of most of our learning about human sexuality), so we don't know what's "normal" or what we "should" look like or enjoy. Although I might sound like a broken record sometimes, regardless of whether your partner has a foreskin or not, just communicate with each other (in whatever way works for you) and you'll find a way to bring max. pleasure & awesome sex to you both.

 

Check out Vice's awesome article asking people if they prefer cut or uncut - the variety of opinions are awesome!

Oral sex school

Ahh oral, one of the most under-rated sex acts. Unfortunately we're not taught how to perform or receive oral, so most of us just flop our tongues around thinking it’s some annoying preface to the main event.  But oral sex can be so much more when you have the time, skills and desire. So here are my 6 main tips for awesome oral sex.

Sweeten the deal

(image from http://favim.com/image/213511/)

A lot of complaints from both men and women go a bit like this: “I don’t like the taste/smell of my partner’s bits”. Well, here’s some ways to sweeten their junk and make the experience more pleasant for the both of you!

-          Suggest a sexy shower for the two of you, especially if you’ve had a long day. Wash away your troubles (along with that musty scent), before you get down to it. There’s no need to douche or wash yourself too intensely, but a quick rinse does wonders.

-          Eat more fruit! The old ‘pineapple sweetens your jizz’ trick is not that far from the truth. A healthy diet, as well as limited intake of alcohol and cigarettes, can affect the smell and taste of your fluids! So remember, an apple a day keeps the funk away.  

-          Buy some fun lubes – you can get chocolate or fruit flavoured and delicious-smelling ones too. Make sure you avoid those with sugar in them (or any types of food – chocolate sauce is not for the vag or the penis!), as these can cause thrush, a nasty discharge which is caused when the natural balance of the vagina is thrown out of whack.

Take your time

A lot of people (guys, I’m looking at you) think that foreplay is a waste of time and just can’t wait to get into the ‘real sex’. Well, I’m telling you – oral is your best way to get your partner super keen & wet for penetration, rack up some brownie points, and probably your best shot at giving her an orgasm. Regardless of whether you’re performing oral on a guy or a girl, take it slowly, try to really tune into what they’re enjoying and what’s working for them, and bask in the fact that you’re making them feel really, really good.

Work your way to the middle

Don’t think you need go straight for the centre of the action (the clitoris or penis). A bit of suspense is never a bad thing, so start at less sensitive and often ignored parts of the body, then work your way towards the holy grail. Think about the stomach, arms, chest and thighs, and don’t forget the lips and face. Kissing and touching any of these areas is likely to get them raring to go. Then you can think about moving towards the pubic bone, balls, outer vaginal lips (labia majora), and ass. And finally, when you get to the clitoris & penis, all that build-up will be worth it.

Avoid the pearly whites

(image source: http://favim.com/image/631911/)

No chomping, biting or nipping, unless the other person tells you that’s how they want it! Not only is it super uncomfortable, but you risk making small cuts in the skin, which increases the risk of sexually transmissible infections (such as herpes & gonorrhoea) and blood borne viruses (such as Hep C & HIV). So, try to wrap your lips around your teeth a little more, and keep those gnashing movements for the dinner table.

Learn to multi-task

Don’t just focus on using your tongue, lips & mouth – get some other bits n pieces in on the action! Use your hands and fingers aswell (just make sure they’re nicely lubed up), or even bring a vibrator into the mix. It can be used on and around the clitoris, as well as on the scrotum, or on the perineum (the bit of skin between the balls/vagina and the anus – it’s full of nerve endings and super sensitive!). You can also use it to penetrate the vagina or ass while continuing on with your oral skillz.

Communicaaaaaaate!

I know I sound like a broken record on this one, but it really is the key to success with any kind of sex and any kind of partner. And I don’t mean you have to break into D&Ms in the middle of the fun stuff, but just make sure you ask them “how does that feel?”, or “do you want me to go higher/lower/faster/slower/harder/softer?”, or “show me where you want me to start”. If you feel uncomfortable talking about sex, you can communicate by making different sounds, touching, moving the other persons head/hand/fingers/bits, and moving your body in different ways. Don’t be afraid to try new things and see, feel & hear how your partner responds.

The other part of this equation is being able to LISTEN. Don’t be offended if your partner tells you something doesn’t feel good, or to do something differently. Be honoured and take those gems of info on board! You will improve your technique and they will improve their chances of orgasm. Everyone’s a winner.

Sex is not just for V-Day

Sex is not just for Valentines Day. It’s for every day!

But if you’re one of those peeps who likes to do something special & sexy for your partner to commemorate some Roman priests, go for it – and take these tips with you.

Now, we’ve all seen a lot of sexy Valentines set-ups & get-ups, – I’m thinking rose petals leading to 4-poster beds, expensive lingerie and push-up bras, spray tans and brazilian waxes - & with Australian’s set to spend a record $930million this V-Day, it’s important to remember some of the best gifts (like most awesome things in life) are free.  So, do something free for yourself, your mates &/or your partner(s) and make everyone happy:

Spend a little time on YOU

If you don’t have a saucy date lined up, spread the love to yourself. When we caught up in the everything-else-of-life, we forget to focus on what’s really important – our own happiness &, perhaps even more important, our own fappiness.

I think it’s SO important, I’ve even started buying vibrators for my friends. Not a traditional birthday gift, but from all reports it’s doing the job! So why not treat yourself to a new vibrator, sex toy, lube, or erotic fiction this Valentines, and spend some time getting to know your bits.

Now, a lot of you might think – how tragic to be alone, masturbating, on Valentines Day. But THINK ABOUT IT – you’re doing yourself and your future/current partner(s) a favour, by working out what turns you on, what feels good, and what makes you cum. So use your V-day alone-time to your advantage, and work on becoming an absolute tiger in the sack.

Celebrate with your BFFs

Grab hold of your friends, declare your love for them & take advantage of some of the sweet Valentines specials (I’m thinking free champagne, kitschy restaurant decorations, & cheap set menus). We’ve all seen/written enough whingey singles facebook posts cursing Valentines Day to last a lifetime, so why not enjoy the ridiculousness of it all and throw your singleton troubles to the wind!

(hopefully your night doesn’t end as tragically as Carrie & Miranda’s did….)

Don’t stress the sex stuff

Like a wedding night, there’s a lot of pressure to get it on for Valentines Day. But usually after a stressful day at work, a big dinner out, a few too many glasses of vino and all the expectations of being sex-on-legs, it can be the last thing on your to-do list. So why not forget about it for one night and focus on other things in your relationship? There’s a whole lot of intimacy that can be shared by two people without getting your kit off – what about buying some sweet-smelling oil and giving your hottie a slow massage or simple foot rub? What about a make-out session in the back of the car?  What about a cosy spoon and exchanging some sweet nothings at the end of the night?

If the night naturally leads to sex, go for it! But if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.

 After all, Valentines Day is just a day about some old Roman priests. Use EVERY day to celebrate your loved ones (whether they be partners, friends or family) and yourself. 

back in the saddle

Good morning to all!

Just a quick update to say I’m still alive and this blog is still trucking along, I’ve just been away in the USofA over the December/January and haven’t had a chance to update.

However, I did manage to mix a little work with pleasure, and visited the Museum of Sex in NYC while I was there. (Notice the extreme excitement on my face in the below picture that only comes with the anticipation of seeing 3 levels of sex-related artifacts & displays. Yep. Sex geekdom.)

 

I saw old-school vibrators (back in the day where vibration-assisted masturbation was administered or prescribed by doctors for ladies with ‘hysteria’ – aka sexual desire), ground-breaking sex toys and interactive S&M suits, an exhibition on the ‘sex lives of animals’ and some of the most incredible photographs and artworks (including a quilt made up of pictures of people’s orgasm faces – brilliant).

(I also got this awesome drink bottle)

Now I’m back in the land of the living and ready to get my blog on. I’m also writing a Q&A section for reachout.com, continuing to work in the HIV sector & studying my Diploma of Counselling. Stay tuned for more sexy updates soon & remember that suggestions are always welcome xx

Too young for sex education? /RANT/

A study cited in the Sydney Morning Herald this morning indicates that high school students want sex education earlier but that teachers are uncomfortable teaching such material. Regardless of the fact that this study was of a small sample size of students in Ballarat (a relatively urban centre in Victoria), it’s findings have hit a nerve & illuminated a heated debate in the comments section.

The argument against early sex education draws on fears of the loss of young people’s ‘innocence’ and the age-old moral panic that ‘if we teach them about it, it’s giving them permission to go out and do it’. And you know what? NO. It’s not. Teaching young people about their bodies, sex & contraceptives will not make them go out and have sex, just as teaching them about sports physiology and injury prevention will not make them go out and play dangerous sports.

 

‘RRR’ suggests that young people “are not emotionally ready to learn about sex education at an earlier age”. But when is ‘ready’? Does ‘ready’ mean when they have already been forced to deal with it, when they’re thrust head-first into puberty without any preparation? When they have their first wet dream, when they bleed between their legs, when they find themselves feeling guilty about masturbating? Surely we are ready to learn about our bodies at the earliest age possible. Surely the fact that we inhabit these glorious, fascinating, mysterious, messy and confusing vessels called our bodies, gives us enough reason to know how they work, what they can do and how this may affect us in the future.

I have a 4-year-old nephew who is endlessly inquisitive about his body and the bodies of those around him. Instead of calling his penis a 'willy', 'peepee' or a number of ridiculous pseudonyms I've heard used by adults and children alike, he knows it's called a penis. He knows about his foreskin, how to clean himself and that his penis feels nice sometimes when he touches it. He is incredibly well adjusted, happy and healthy. He knows who is allowed to touch his body and in what ways, what is 'off limits' and is being taught to look after himself. When we asks, we answer. It the information given is not relevant to him (as I'm sure it won't be for many years), he quickly tunes out and resumes playing Mario. It doesn't damage him and it doesn't confuse him. What it does do is open up an honest line of communication between himself and responsible adults who he loves and trusts. Where's the negative there?

By withholding information from young people, we reduce their sense of ownership of their bodies, their agency and decision-making which comes with the responsibility of being a human. To me, this screams of a number of concerning issues including possible body image problems, uninformed sexual decision-making, and sexual assault concerns(where young people are sexually disenfranchised and do not feel they are entitled to speak up about their own bodies and what can/can’t be done with them).

Amongst all the debate and misinformed nonsense on this comment thread, there are those who share some wonderful insights, and I’ll leave the last word with them:

UPDATE

Just wanted to provide an update, as I've been M.I.A for a little while. I've been super busy with work, away at the 1st National Sexual & Reproductive Health Conference, and I've starting writing sex advice for reachout.com (see the first question/answer here: http://au.reachout.com/q-i-want-to-have-sex). There will be one question/answer per week uploaded onto the site, so if you have a question which you don't want to ask here - feel free to submit it at reachout, here.

Other than that, I'm drafting up some more blog posts! The topics I'll be covering in the next few posts are:

 - The basics of sexual anatomy and why it's important to know.
 - Blow jobs
 - Why I've started buying vibrators for my friends.
 - How sex ed failed us.
 - & more golden nuggets of things I wish I'd been told about sex.

If you have any suggestions or burning questions, pop them in a comment & I'll get to them ASAP x